Who Am I?

[LoL. its long.Am sorri]
Ok so its that time of month and my hormons and emotions r kicking in. I know every girl has her own freaky thing that happens to her during that time of month and what ive noticed about me is that i get the hunger for self discovery. You know its like i would change the way i look a lil bit or try to find a new style or make a new habit. I'll just change anything to get me going on the path of finding out who i am. Honestly i dont have that signature walk or style or anything. I dont really kno what makes me ME! and for 17 yrs, that'll all ive been tryana find out!

Most people would say "well shouldnt your culture and were you come from define who u are". Uhm. I wish. But sadly that isnt the case. I dont even know were i come from. Am from everywhere, some say i look Asian, Arab, Chinese, even Albino lol. When people ask were r you from, my response is always a deep breath and then "Africa. yes i kno am not black". I was born in Africa and so were my parents. But my mum's mum is egyptian and my mum's dad is Asian. My dad's mum is Yemeni and my dad's dad is African!!. Yuh c am like African.Arab.Asian.Egpytian confused hijaby!

So were i come from cant define me. But it has played an important role in who i am. I lived in Africa untill i was 9. So who i am back then was inspired by my surroundings. I then came here to England for 7 years now and this whole path of discovery is even more disrupt. But what i can say is that Alhamdulillah my relgion has helped me alot. You see sometimes what you wear can define who u are. and being a muslim i wear the abaya and alhamdulillah that has preserved me. But its also kept me a mystery even from my self. So i guess the Abaya defines me?? But why do i still feel empty inside?

How about a hobby?. Well even with that i dont have anything that has helped me understand myself. i have tried nearly everything. Writing a diary, scrap booking, drawing and even tailoring but they have all miserably failed! I dont even have a favourate subject. I do History, Politics, Law and film and they all sound very political etc, but i just do them cause...well..there 'aight'. they aint things i thoroughly  enjoy.

My personality. In general am quite shy. but that aint cause am bashfull from snow white. its just cause i look down on men and i like to keep most things in. although sometyms i talk endlessly. I've got stage fright yet sometyms even i suprise my self. i love to laugh but apparently ive got a misrabel long face. i fink am a good listener but ive been told am actually quite bad at listening and i tend to interupt people alot. So.. what do you make of that?

Apart from my hormons stiring up, ive also been triggerd by a few vedios ive been watching about Emarati life. I love watching them, it jut gives me a sense of belonging. Not really, its acutally a wired feeling. Am not claming i belong with the arabs. Its just am very fond of them and the khaleejia lifestyle. I also have a thing for arab men ;). Plus ive always wanted to live in the middle east and become an English teacher there or something.(Here is the Blog i found them in. I love it. Except one thing i dont like about that lifestyle is that Women and men shake hands! plus i dont like that most of the women show some of their hair!)

One more thing. I promise. Ok. So this is a very wired year cause ive turned 17 and more importantly. I have friends who have turned 20,18 etc. You know, the perfect age for marriage. One is already engaged and her wedding is in a month. The rest are in the process. Then there's me. poor ilham, never even had her first kiss; am there as the 3rd person. You know, the one that they ask for advise, the one in the middle. Yup. And it sucks. Am not ready for marriage, but i do long for Love. But then there are times where am thinking i dont even know my self. I dont really know what makes me. I may know were i want to live in the future, how many kids i want etc. But that's not enough.

Before i meet my companion i wanna b able to understand my self soo much that i am able to potray the best of me to him. Be the best wife, friend & mother i can be. I wanna know where i stand so no matter what happends i know what i want for myself. But sadly am very gulable and i get influenced really quickly (in a good way). Everything is an inspiration to me (Ilham = Inspiration. [Ironic?]). I'l see one wedding dress or theme and i'll b like yup. i want that one. But then i see another am like yeer that one. Its like i dont know what i want and what makes me; as an indivial, stand out!.

Am still on that path of discovery and i think Allah is keeping my life companion away untill am ready to share the best of my self to him. But then i also think that this journey will never end. Maybe it'll end when am 90 years old, on the sunny porch with my 95 year old husband, holding hands and remembering all the good times we've had. And mybe then will be the time that when i'll say Yup Am Ilham alright. and ive made my mark on this world as ME!